Tag Archives: Depression

The Harrowing Night

‘ Ralive, Tsaliv ya Galive’. (convert to Islam, leave the place or perish)
‘Ralive, Tsalive ya Galive’.
Everywhere, these words are echoing. Every ticking of the biggest wooden wall clock is making him to shiver.
“They are coming. Nobody is going to save us. They are coming to kill us”, a woman is crying.
Everything was drowning inside a pool of blood. People are laughing harrowingly. He feels a steel touch on his back side of neck. It is piercing inside. It is going deep.
‘Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.’
In every middle of the night, he woke up after experiencing this nightmare. He didn’t forget a single thing which was happened since 20 years ago. He was only 5 years old and on that cold night in which he lost his everyone except his grandmother.
The scar on his back side of the neck was still there.
His phone started ringing. This was not a call, this was his alarm which used to remind him to take his medicine.
Vasuki Dar was only 5 years old when his family slaughtered by unknown people without any reasons. He would have died if his neighbours didn’t come out for help. Although, their help didn’t help him much.
He had moved to Daroja from Sopor with his grandmother. He never thought of leaving Kashmir but that night was not freeing him.
He was not meek or coward but he knew one thing, Kashmir was his home ever and forever. His Dadi used to tell him always- People are bad but not Kashmir. You are still alive because Kashmir loves you.
He completed his study in Kashmir and still he wanted to spend his life into Kashmir. He didn’t hate anyone but every night he used to cry.
He was running tuition classes in Daroja’s main market. He spent his time with young children and teenagers. His doctor always told him- If you want to forget things, you have to move to another place. You cannot forget your past, if you encounter them daily.
But how he could leave everything behind? Kashmir is his only family and he didn’t to make distance from that.
He would not go.

Not Afraid

It’s a high time
don’t talk about love and grief
No place of shame and strife
talk about blood and rape
give me some savage tips
talk about mindless jobs
Let’s do hunting
let’s go in pack to tear her apart
Stop that right now because
It’s a high time
don’t talk about saving us
No place to hide and run
talk about blood and rape
I will hunt you down
let’s do violence
let’s do hunting
let’s go in pack to tear them apart
You are a vulnerable thing
see your rosy lips and
now its time for your cheesy butts
I will devour every part
till it contains soul
let’s do hunting together
you are pretty in your panty
and in diapers
and in womb too
Stop that right now because
it’s a high time for us to
bear your wrath
don’t think of afraid version of me
your 5 inch manhood
is in my hand with a fork
looking like a bacon
Come here and snatch it
you useless rabid dog,
This is my rosy lips,
my cheesy butts,
my panty my bra and my blood soaked pads
Watch it till it ends
and I am NO more a prey
I am not your Durga not your kali
I am a woman
Admit it or shove it into your ass
Because it’s a high time to
watch your sins
It’s a high time.

Sorry Guys

Character assassination
Kill someone and the person will not feel pain after death. But assassin someone’s character and the person will never forget till her/his death.
“She is a slut.”
“She slept with her teacher.”
“She got the job by some other means. You can reckon those means.”
“He molested that girl.”
“He cheats everyone.”

These kind of false exaggeration of situations to ruin one’s image is very easily and very inhumane in nature. I am not talking about everyone but yeah I have accounted many stories.
I was the victim of this thing and it hurt me a lot.
These kind of things are created by your close one, by your so-called friend and sometime by your rival just to humiliate you, hurt you and defeat you.
Today, I will not share my story because of some reason but yes I will share one thing for sure. When I came to college just to find out what the world had become. The students were not only the back-biters but also the teachers. I found out how these people had sold their soul. They were always in a try to check out faults and errors in students and not related to stud, related to personal life.
I remembered, a guy told me about my classmate- Did you know she got the job?
Me- Then what should I do?
He- She is not worthy of that.
Me- How did you know?
He- Don’t you know she just slept with that teacher?
Me- Did you see both of them sleeping and cuddling?
He- No. Of course not. But I just got to hear that.
She- I have also got a job and I want to inquire if you hear that I have slept with someone?
He- You are a deserving lady.
She- Just fuck off dude. I know what we are and what we deserve. People like you don’t deserve to live with us.

People like us are the reason behind someone’s ruined life. What other did as gossiping and we took everything as “Satya Vachan” and spread the rumours. I have seen so many people who couldn’t face the world and shut themselves in a closet.
They have every right to live whether they sleep with someone or not, whether they did some mean jobs or not. They have every right because they are not coming to talk with you and not going to talk with you ever. So just take care of your business.

So, today I am gonna say sorry to all who have experienced these kind of things. Stay strong and erase all of them.

Strangers and life

Don’t make a distance from strangers”.
Since our birth till our death, we always surround by strangers and we keep making relations with those strangers as our parents, our relatives or friends.
Making friends is not a big deal but it takes a lot of courage to keep faith on a stranger. I did this brave work a lot of time.
When I went to the stranger city to complete my studies after 10th, it made afraid. However, I decided to make friends because it was hard to be alone for me. I tried my best to make someone my friend but it failed. In school, whenever I tried to talk people started talking about homework and Trigonometry. I hate that and I felt isolation.
Same thing happened in coaching where in the time period of 4 hours, I could never get 4 minutes to talk to anyone.
When I complained this to my parents that I ain’t able to study because I am alone.
“What do you need? You have enough books.”
“Friends will spoil you.”
“Keep studying”
Trust me, I was so alone and it was hard to survive there. Nobody should live alone and I was the nobody.
I couldn’t find and when I found some people it was hard to describe the situation. Although that was another story and soon will recite them.
But, please take care of yourself and your future generation. If someone doesn’t have friends it means there are some problems and you need to discuss it.
My two years were so bad that I could pray it should never happen with anyone else.

ज़िंदगी पढ़ पढ़ कर शुन्य हो जाएगी

“अजनबियों से दूर न रहें”
पैदा होने से लेकर मृत्यु तक हम अजनबियों से मिलते हैं, उन्हें समझते हैं और हर किसी से कोई रिश्ता जोड़ लेते हैं चाहे माँ-बाप का हो, रिश्तेदारों का हो या दोस्ती का हो| लोग चाहे माने या न माने, दोस्त बनाना मुश्किल नहीं है लेकिन दोस्ती शब्द पर यकीन करना और किसी अजनबी के साथ अपने एक नया रिश्ता जोड़ना एक बहुत ही साहसिक कदम होता है|
जो भी हो, मैंने ऐसे साहसिक कदम बहुतेरे बार उठाये थे| जब मैं पहली बार उस अजनबी शहर में गयी थी तब थोड़ा डर लगा था लेकिन कुछ दिनों में मैंने कि दोस्त तो बनाने ही पड़ेंगे नहीं तो ज़िंदगी पढ़ पढ़ कर शुन्य हो जाएगी| खैर जिस स्कूल में मैं पढ़ रही थी वहां मैं दोस्त चाह कर भी न बना सकी क्योंकि जब भी किसी से बात करने की कोशिश करती या तो वो Trigonamatry के questions लेकर बैठ जाते या फिर फिजिक्स का होमवर्क|
फिर दोस्त न होने की वजह से मेरा दिल भाग गया स्कूल से और मैं मानती हूँ वो मेरी गलती थी| लेकिन एक इंसान कब तक अकेले अकेले रहेगा| मेरे साथ भी यहीं हुआ|
सोचा स्कूल के दायरे से बाहर निकल कर दोस्त बनाते हैं| लेकिन Coaching में तो चार घंटे की क्लास में 4 मिनट भी बात नहीं करने देते थे| वहां भी स्कूल जैसी ही problem हो गयी थी|
जब मैंने अपने घरवालों को शिकायत की कि यहाँ तो कोई दोस्त ही नहीं बन रहा, मैं कैसे रहूंगी यहाँ?
“तो क्या बिना दोस्त के पढाई नहीं होती|”
“चुपचाप पढाई में दिमाग लगाओगी तो दोस्त याद नहीं आएंगे|”
“जितनी दोस्ती में पड़ोगी पढाई उतनी ख़राब होगी”|
यकीन मानिये मैं जितनी अकेली थी उससे ज्यादा दुनिया में कोई और नहीं होगा| शायद उन दो सालों में मेरे अंदर ही कुछ गलतियां होंगी जिससे स्कूल और coaching कहीं एक दोस्त नहीं बन पाया|
दोस्त बने लेकिन वो एक अलग कहानी है और अलग रस्ते पर है जो जल्द ही बताई जाएगी|
लेकिन एक बात ध्यान रखें- बिना रिश्ते संसार नहीं झेल सकते आप| बहुत कुछ खो देते हैं अकेले अकेले के चक्कर में| बच्चों को अगर बच्चें नहीं मिल रहे तो ये गौर करने की बात है कि आखिर समस्या क्या है?
वो दो साल बहुत कठिन थे, आप खुद को और अपने आने वाले generation को बचाइयेगा|

Why I am Like this?

Mamma,
One day I was alone inside my closet because of a ghost,
I was crying inside the closet when my mind lost,
None came for rescuing me from that dark place,
I stayed there for years and failed to find solace,
Mamma, you were not there to tell me to not to freak,
I was sobbing and remembering my days when I used to be a treak,
Once, people around me smiled with me, laughed at my jokes
but, without giving me a reason, they ridiculed and made me a joke,
Sleeping without sleep in eyes, breathing but my throat was choked,
Crying without tears, and pain inside was mocked
by those people,
I was living in the closet for years because of the unseen ghost,
Things changed, and so I did to get rid of the most
of the fears reaped in me and frightened me to take a step,
Mamma, I have erased the fear and made that ghost to rep
  Ruchi Roy.